Brad Pitt adopts Britney Spears
’90s pop icon Britney Spears always wanted to date Brad Pitt, but he was never available. With the last adoption papers filed, she finally manages to call him “daddy”.
It’s luck for Spears, who claimed his guardianship restricted his freedom. Spears argued that she “was fed up with being exploited” and called the guardianship “state-sanctioned human trafficking” (or, as Keith Raniere and Allison Mack would call it, a multilevel marketing scheme). Either way, the judge turned down Britney Spears’ request to release her from prison. We wondered if the judge confused the decision of the trial of Britney Spears with that of Bill Cosby.
As Britney is set to return to James Parnell Spears, fans demand to release Britney from custody of her abusive father, outraged that the court has ruled that James has the right to run the guardianship as he sees fit. However, her legal team was able to identify a loophole: she could change father to get out of guardianship.
Britney is old enough to legally relinquish James Spears as her guardian. She managed to make the case before the judge that her father was not there for her 2007 crisis and that he neglected her before she found success as a pop star. The judge stripped James Spears of his title as Britney’s father, consequently dismissing him from the guardianship, but added that Britney needed to find a new guardian to replace his father as owner of the guardianship.
Britney spent the next few days lining up death threats from her ex-father James Spears, as well as demands from suitors eager for a chance to make a fortune. Here is a list of personalities who have made their intention to adopt Britney publicly:
- Matt Gaetz – Ring leader QAnon wanted to take a hit on a young sweetheart, but withdrew after realizing Britney was no longer a minor.
- Bill Cosby – Fresh out of prison, Cosby hoped to get his fortune back.
- Pablo Escobar – After rising from the grave to criticize Coca-Cola, the cocaine cowboy wanted to take his brand of cocaine further away by trying to team up with this Pepsi spokesperson.
- COVID-19 Delta – The latest rage among American youth (and the new bachelor of Corona’s Dating Show season two) made their intentions clear by adopting Britney: to woo a cultural icon to ‘add another to the body count’ .
- Elon Musk – The tech entrepreneur wanted to be Donald Trump so badly that he planned to adopt Britney just to have sex with his own daughter.
- Narendra Modi – India’s part-time prime minister and full-time grim reaper needed access to Britney’s fortune as her COVID relief program was halted.
- Chris Crocker – Better known as “Leave Britney Alone,” Crocker sought custody of the pop star for the sole purpose of dissolving guardianship. Unfortunately, he had to back down when the judge called him a “broken ass” and rejected his request.
- Perez Hilton – The most annoying “journalist” to ever walk the planet wanted to continue shaming Britney without legal and financial repercussions.
Eventually, Britney chose Hollywood icon Brad Pitt to be her father. Pitt took to Twitter to announce his latest adoption.
“Britney Spears is a cultural icon who needs our help more than ever. I will gladly suspend my efforts to save the children of South Sudan in order to help them buy their freedom. It’s the least I can do for Britney, who has given us inspiring musical works of art.
Work B****is a classic.
“I have always wanted to adopt more disadvantaged children. Also, my daughter Zahara’s birthday is approaching. She spent her preschool years dancing on
Baby One More Time . If I can offer him a sister like Britney Spears, I can redeem my alleged image of an alcoholic and abusive father.
Not everyone agreed with Britney’s decision. A group of her loyal fans have signed a petition begging Madonna to adopt Britney. “Madonna is Britney’s perfect babysitter. Not only did she mentor and support the pop star, but she also raised more underprivileged children than Pitt. It is unfortunate that the judge ruled that Britney’s father must identify himself as a man. We urge Madonna to be gender fluid just to get around the patriarchal decision. We fans know the Queen of Pop better than she does, and we are more than able to identify her gender. We noticed this trending petition on Twitter with the hashtag #Love Confusion.