The Hoof is a satirical column created to find humor in the daily lives of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this isn’t it. If you’re looking for sport, that’s kind of it, because we’re having fun. Ha. Word games.

Elijah Winn is a second-year environmental earth and soil science student and opinion columnist for Mustang News. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.

Mormonism is spreading like COVID-19! The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is growing using a business model they call multilevel marketing. The genius of this approach is that the church provides a series of goods and services which it sells to investors. These investors then recruit people to work for themselves, selling their own product as members are continually recruited. Essentially, you can be your own boss.

To visualize this business approach, imagine yourself –– the boss of many employees –– and under each of them: many others, until there is a mass of people below, working under you. Don’t think of the people above you. A small fee is charged to new members –– think of it as a subscription for the betterment of the church. Some have taken to calling the subscription Jesus+. These fees will allow high-ranking clergy to invest in the faith of others. Faith is the brand new subscription service!

The goods donated by the church practically sell themselves! There is an anti-gay ointment that cures all LGBTQ+ conditions; why be happy when you can be closer to God? They have a chastity belt that has multiple locks, for your multiple wives. Need help finding a synonym for prejudice? The Holy Thesaurus can help you explain to your neighbor why he is wrong about his religion. Additionally, the church offers a guide that includes wisdom from Joseph Smith on how to remember your children’s names with a handy numbering system. Also, with the purchase of the premium guide, it will include how to convince a people that you have spoken with Jesus.

With all these goods and services, the Mormon Church hopes that the beauty and eternal love of God can be spread to more and more people. They even deemed it more contagious than COVID-19.

The inspiration for this new leadership of the church came from the Book of Mormon, in which Jesus told Joseph Smith, “Woe to the man who sells not his produce at the end of the month, I give to the man the corporate institutions in the shape of a triangle to spread my grace and my consumables.

Critics of the Mormon Church have suggested that the practice is eerily similar to an illegal business model known as pyramid schemes. While the similarities can be recognized, the differences are unmistakable like God himself. The difference lies in the structure of the business model.

While pyramid schemes are unsurprisingly pyramid-shaped, the new Mormon church model is triangular in shape. The pyramid schemes emphasize attracting more and more investors who funnel money to the top of the pyramid, while the Church triangle prioritizes the baptism of more and more members who then funnel money and faith up the triangle. Again, the differences are as clear as day and late afternoon.

The intersection of faith and business is a fascinating development in modern society that has resounding benefits. Mass consumption and devotion to God have never been so popular. This new business practice saw an increase in the consolidation of power in the upper echelons of religious society, allowing a select group of people to commune and understand the wisdom of God. It’s like democracy without the boring part of voting.

The Mormon Church’s aggressive multilevel marketing expansion allows them to spread their teachings around the world, so that increased populations can understand that they are wrong and others are right.

The modern world has seen a repackaging of crusading tactics when it comes to faith. People’s faith is pitted against each other as they argue so fiercely that they are right and everyone else is just another. We can’t stop thinking reflexively or introspectively.

The installation of the triangle-shaped business model by the Mormon Church has helped society deal with our collective problems, helped more people understand that we are all human and that someone has to be perfectly right about everything . In this case, that someone is the Mormon Church. Welcome to the triangle.